Jonathan Teatime

Name: Mouse
DW username: threehouramnesiac.dreamwidth.org
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Other Characters: N/A

Character Name: Jonathan Teatime

Series: Discworld by Terry Pratchett. Specifically, The Hogfather

Timeline: Toward the end of part 2, right after a confrontation with Susan that could have but did not quite manage to kill him. He's woken up at the Unseen University, retrieved Death's Sword, and is ready to avenge...himself.

Canon Resource Link:
Hogfather book breakdown
Teatime's wiki

Character History:
Jonathan Teatime's story truly begins when he was orphaned at a young age-- both his parents dying under unfortunate circumstances. He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork Assassin's Guild and raised there. Lord Downey once reflected that the Guild should have looked at his history a bit more closely before admitting him, but he proved to be a ruthless, cunning disciple. What's the worst that could happen?

At the opening of The Hogfather, Teatime is not a full member of the Guild, as he had a penchant for murdering not only his target in brutal, horrifying ways, but also anyone who happened to be in the building at the time. Servants, family... pets. Teatime is offered a full time position if he can uphold the Guild's philosophy (elegance and style in everything) while assassinating a seemingly impossible target-- the Hogfather. (The Hogfather is basically the Santa Clause of the Discworld: intangible, potentially fictional, an anthropomorphic personification.) Teatime takes the job without any resistance, claiming that he had plotted ways to kill a number of concepts, including Death himself.

Teatime is excited to be on his first 'real' mission of inhumation and intrigue and immediately sets about hiring the folks he'll need to complete the task. Thieving muscle, a benevolent but ultimately desperate and down on his luck wizard, and the best locksmith the realm could offer. He tells the crew that he hopes they can be friends with a stilted, approximation of a smile and the promise of too much money to pass up. He proceeds to punch one of his new comrades in the mouth without warning, knocking a tooth out and initiating phase one of his brilliant plan.

With the injured thief peacefully asleep and his tooth under a pillow, it wasn't long before a tooth fairy (not The Tooth Fairy) showed up to collect it. Unfortunately for her, Teatime and his merry band of ne're-do-wells was waiting in the shadows to collect her. They wrapped her up in a rug while Teatime commandeered the tooth collection cart and convinced its unfortunate driver, Ernie, to take them to the Tooth Fairy's pocket dimension. He stated, with a knife to the man's ribs, that he hopes that they can be friends.

The friendship was a short one, as Teatime killed Ernie the second that he received the magic powder necessary to cross the veil. He seemed to justify this decision by asking “Wasn't he dull?” to his horrified comrades.

Having successfully made it to the domain of the Tooth Fairy and slaughtered all of the tooth guards, Teatime commenced Phase Two. He ordered his thieves to break all of the cases containing the teeth and put them into a big pile in the center of the room. His wizard then cast a spell using magic so old it “wasn't even magic anymore” to control the beliefs of all the children. Teatime used this influence to make children no longer believe in the Hogfather.

(Unbeknownst to him, Death had taken on the role of the Hogfather and was sustaining as much belief as he could by making public appearances and drinking sherry and eating pork pies and delivering presents, and generally doing those things that Hogfathers do.)

Teatime's hired locksmith, meanwhile, was systematically cracking the lock on every door in the building at Teatime's request. Many of these locked doors contained only more terrified tooth guards, which Teatime dispatched without second thought.

Finally, there came a door that was impossible to crack by physical means. Unable to deliver for his 'big moment', the locksmith stated that he was going to leave. A disappointed Teatime had him thrown down the stairs to his death, and asked the wizard if he wouldn't give it a try instead.

When asked if he knew what was behind the door, Teatime stated, “Logically, if you're the guardian of children's beliefs, and this is your castle, and I come across a securely locked door as this, then not to thoroughly investigate would lack elegance.”

Enter Susan: The Grandaughter of Death, who had come to put an end to Teatime ending the Hogfather. Teatime sent his goons after her while the wizard continued to fiddle with the magic door, but they inevitably failed. Teatime then confronted Susan himself, sneaking up on her and stealing he grandfather's sword. Although he could have ended her life as he had so many others, he decided to chat with her a while instead.

He recognized the sword's origins immediately, recognized Susan immediately, and for a few seconds, a kind of childish glee came over him. It was like meeting a celebrity he admired... only he had been planning on ways to murder said celeb rather than drawing hearts around their name.

Still, when he smiled, it didn't reach his eyes and his laugh was hollow. Susan recognized him as 'the kid that couldn't tell the difference between chucking a stone at a cat and lighting it on fire' which threw him off guard. She also accused him of being 'the kind of little boy that looked up doll's dresses' which he softly but desperately denied.

At this point, Susan attempted to strike him, and it was this act of potential violence that caused him to bare his teeth and appear openly, maliciously angry.

Teatime decided that he was done with Susan and attempted to cut her down with Death's sword. Because Death has no foothold in the Tooth Fairy's domain, the sword harmlessly passed through her. Before he could pull out a more mundane weapon to finish her off, she struck him in the face and knocked him off the ledge he was standing on.

It seemed like that would be the end of Mr. Jonathan Teatime, but he survived the plummet and woke up in the Unseen University. There, he recovered Death's sword, which was no longer inert and could effortlessly cut through seemingly everything.

Angry that he had been bested, Teatime sought out Susan's home to, if nothing else, finish her off. He was delighted to find yet another person on his celebrity hit list- Death. He did like the idea of killing two birds with one sword. He ordered Susan to bring the children she watches into the kitchen so that they could watch him slay Death. For once he could be a hero! For once, children would like him!

But the children thought he was creepier than a dumb skeleton. They told him his eye was weird and that the skeleton had a biscuit and how could a monster be scary while holding a biscuit?

Irritated, but undeterred in his mission, Teatime apparated behind Death, raised his sword to strike, and... was promptly stabbed through the chest with a fire poker, courtesy of Susan.

So ended the life of Jonathan Teatime.


Abilities/Special Powers:
Teatime is a master assassin, but he also has quite a few powers that can't be explained by “years of dedication to the craft.”

He has the ability to move without being seen. This is evident when he manages to get into the office Lord Downey (the head of the assassin's guild) and settle down to pet his dog before being noticed. When asked, he claimed to have come down the chimney, but it's equally possible that he followed Downey's servant in.

He can also move unnatural distances in the blink of an eye, which he uses to surprise people he's about to kill, sneak up on Susan (who has a similar ability herself) and even get behind Death himself.

He can not use these ability to go through walls or locked doors, (otherwise he would not have needed a locksmith to aid him in the Tooth Fairy's castle) but he could conceivably follow someone into a room without their knowledge.

He can also cut through layers of clothing without nicking the flesh beneath if he so chooses, which is great for intimidation and making friends the Teatime way.

The only explanation given for his powers is that his glass eye is in fact, a Scrying Stone. Discworld magic is notoriously wacky and unreliable and very, very prone to explosions and/or summoning unholy horror/terrors so it goes to show that Teatime is more than a little unhinged for deciding that it belonged inside his skull.


Third-Person Sample:
Teatime didn't like torture anymore. It was messy, it took too long, but most of all it was loud. He was good at it, mind. He could pull information from fortified lips given a knife and a little room where he wouldn't be disturbed, but it was all so tedious. He didn't like spending that much time with a target, didn't like having to listen to them screaming and begging. It was so much easier to disconnect their voicebox


Teatime ran a fingertip over a countertop as he wandered through the kitchen. He had gotten into Susan's place without much effort. He certainly hadn't needed a wizard to pick the lock. After dealing with the Tooth Fairy, it was almost anti-climactic.

A worn copper kettle on the stove, biscuits in the tin on the mantlepiece, neat little rows of exotic spices. It was a home. Homey. He rather liked it.

How long could he live there after killing the owners, before somebody noticed? It had been less than a week, the last time he'd tried it. It had started out nice, but then the warmth wafted away and the smell of baked bread had been edged out by that of rot. He couldn't do it again, tempting as it was. Not when he had to take elegance and style into account.

He resisted the urge to go through the stuffed stockings hanging over the fireplace or through cabinets or drawers. He had all that he needed for the night except for his target. Susan would be home soon, wouldn't she? Certainly she wasn't still dallying at the Tooth Fairy's.

Teatime took three large steps backward without looking, and turned his head abruptly like a bird to size up the metal tin. “Certainly a dead woman won't miss one biscuit,” he justified.

First-Person Sample:

A little spyglass? Tricky tricky. [He tilts his head to assess the little machine with his inky black eye. He taps at the glass bit, temporarily obscuring the camera's view. After a few seconds, he pulls his lips upward in an imitation of a smile, and lets a chalky, stilted laugh escape him.] Is this what the wizards of this realm spend their time doing? Doesn't seem very... entertaining.